Monday, October 17, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
It is another one of those things about pregnancy that I don't like that much but wouldn't give up for the world. She can kick my ribs all she wants as long as I get to be her mom. (Apple, too. But she likes to kick my bladder).
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Of course, I ended up finding some fabric that I hope will turn out just perfect and the total for the fabric and batting was $27. I was out of excuses. The pattern looks really easy. I hope I don't hate myself for saying that or for deciding to try to do this. My last home DIY sewing project was a disaster. I made some curtains. They don't look that great and they were WAY more expensive than just buying some. Oh well. I guess you could say I'm a little more cautious about what sewing projects I start.
If only my sister-in-law wasn't such a perfect seamstress....
Bump #2: 25 weeks (yes I know it was last week, I am just that slow at uploading)
Friday, July 22, 2011
Still going to up the exercise though.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Apple seems to be doing best out of the whole family. I got an ultrasound on Friday. Apple is still totally normal and healthy and was 1 lb 11 oz. Bluebear is looking pretty good, too. Her ventricles are 10% larger than the normal range but they haven't grown at all and if it stays like this she won't need surgery! That was (cautious) good news. She was 1 lb 10 oz.
I'm doing ok. My back has started to give me real trouble sometimes. Getting comfortable at night is getting harder because of the back pain. Hopefully, the back brace will arrive today.
Also, I failed my glucose test on Friday. Just barely. I was looking up more information about the test ranges. My results are considered a fail by some Drs and a pass by others. I was right on the border. So that means that this morning I drank 100 g of glucose and get my blood drawn 4 times instead of 50 g and 1 draw. I'm just about up for my third draw. Man, I don't like these glucose tests. I've been nauseous since I took the drink two hours ago. I'm jot sure which is worse. The nausea or the orange flavored burps...
I'm really hoping that I don't have gestational diabetes.
M is having his own issues. He sprained his ankle a few weeks ago playing basketball. It has been healing pretty well, but last night he was playing again and busted it even worse. It was huge. We may end up going to get it x-rayed.
Oh, and M's grandma just got out of the hospital after a week in the ICU and heart surgery. She flew in from Georgia. M's parents brought her to our house for a BBQ and within 10 minutes she was at the hospital. Fortunately, we live 3 minutes away. Unfortunately, M's parents live 45 minutes away. After a week spending days in the ICU and nights in our guest room (if you can call 5 hours a night) M's mom was ready to go home. Wasn't too inconvenient for us, but the poor woman was so totally exhausted. Grandma is doing better now.
So...It's been a little stressful around our house. I hope things are a little calmer for the rest of you! I'll try to get the pictures up soon.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Later the neurosurgeon went over the pictures with us. Bluebear's hydrocephalus was confirmed. Fortunately there were no other problems seen. Apple looks great. We talked about the options for surgery when Bluebear is born. I left talking to the surgeon a little less nervous about the whole condition and surgery. There is also a chance still that she won't need surgery.
That chance seemed a little more real when a couple days later I went back to the perinatologist who said that her ventricles are smaller than they were two weeks ago. Yay! Who really knows what that will mean in the end.
I've been feeling pretty crummy the last week or so. The babies are really starting to crowd out my stomach. I am not really very big yet, so I am a little worried about what the next 4 months will be like as they get even bigger and even higher into my stomach. I have still been sleeping okay. Not too great but I am able to sleep in to make up for the quality.
It has been fun feeling the girls moving around. They have started to go nuts just as I lay down for bed. Apple (I think) especially. M was able to feel it the other night, too. It has been a little frustrating because they will be kicking and moving around, M will put his hand on to feel and they will just stop. But at night they seem to be a little more consistent. Which was good...M was getting annoyed when I would keep trying to put his hand where they were kicking. Fortunately, the other night when I put his hand on, right as he was starting to complain the girls started kicking him. He stopped, feeling a little sheepish... Thanks girls!
Anyway, overall I am doing pretty well. Just waiting...and trying to organize their room.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
If we learned anything from our journey with infertility, we learned the Lord is in control, and we need to put our trust in Him. Please keep her in your prayers.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I've been feeling a lot better lately. But that being said today I am exhausted and enjoying plenty of round ligament pain. My feet have been bothering me some but as long as I put them up occasionally I'm okay.
Anyway, my plane to Utah is boarding! Gotta go. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Disclaimer. I think that I feel like I am eating more than I really am. I eat lots of meals and snacks but my stomach doesn't take much to fill up these days so I end up gifting about half of my plate to M. Which means I am hungry 3-4 hours later for a snack. So I think I just feel like a pig... that and my stomach suddenly started to poke out!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I hope that everyone made it through today and has a great week ahead!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I have mixed feelings about changing from weekly ultrasounds to monthly ones. I miss seeing my babies and making sure they are okay. I have had some cramping on and off which I think is normal, but I sometimes just want to know that they are okay. I have enjoyed not making the long drive though. I am counting down until my next appointment which is 2 weeks from today.
I'm still not showing, although Sunday night my friend was trying to convince me that I was. It was less convincing after multiple people at church were commenting that I didn't look pregnant, especially not with twins. I'm still okay not showing. I haven't bought any clothes yet so I'm glad I still mostly fit into mine.
We are going to a family reunion with M's family for the rest of the week. I think it will be pretty fun. It is not an extended family thing, just M's parents and his brothers and sister. I'm a little bummed that I won't be able to participate in a lot of the activities and games, as there will be lots of athletics and such things. I usually have a better time playing that sitting and watching. We might go boating. Anyone ever heard of that being a problem? In the end, I'd rather be pregnant than participate though, so I will be sitting. It will probably be too hot for me to want to play anyway.
That reminds me of a conversation I was having with my mom the other day. She was asking how I was feeling so I told her: tired, nauseous, with a sore back. Her response: "Be careful what you wish for", with a giggle. I immediately jumped on that. I am not regretting being pregnant at all. Yes, sometimes, I feel like crap. But guess what. I'm pregnant. That is way more important to me. I would not trade it back. I wasn't even really complaining, I was just stating how I felt. My sister sometimes responds the same way and it really bothers me. I love being pregnant. I don't enjoy all the symptoms but I finally have life inside me. I think it is hard for them to understand how I feel about this pregnancy. They got pregnant easily. My mom had 7 pretty easy pregnancies (except for a miscarriage). My one sister, L, has had 5 hard pregnancies and my other sister, R, has had 3 hard pregnancies. R hates being pregnant and it doesn't seem like she really loves being a mom. They have very different pregnancy and conception experiences and I don't think that they have realized that fully. I mean, I don't think they have realized that the difference in our ability to conceive greatly impacts our thoughts and emotions during pregnancy. Working on upping the communication level...
Anyway, enough random snippets and soapbox.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Today at Easter dinner, M's family was expecting to see some sort of bump. I'm just not showing yet. To illustrate this point, I put the following 3 (horrible and unflattering) pictures together. This is me at 7, 10 and 13 weeks. Can you tell which is which? Um, no. If I didn't already know, I don't think I could either. They are in order. 7 weeks to 13 weeks, left to right.
I don't mind that I am not showing yet. I find talking with people about the pregnancy is a little awkward for me, so I don't mind being under the radar. I have been a little surprised at how easy it has been for me to say that they are the result of IVF. I wasn't sure how I was going to be with that, but it seems pretty natural - usually. I only bring it up if people ask about twins running in the family or if we were really shocked or something like that. I thought it would be hard to be open about it. I think I have gained a lot of confidence about talking about infertility through blogging about it and reading your blogs. Thanks to all you for reading and inspiring!
Which brings me to a slight oops moment... I would like to draw some attention via facebook to National Infertility Awareness Week. However, last night we announced our pregnancy. We didn't do a big post. I don't want belly shots and ultrasounds on facebook. So we posted the ultrasounds on our personal blog and shared the link with "Twins". We thought that would be less obnoxious. However, it seems to me like my next post shouldn't be "Hey everyone its NIAW." So I'm trying to think of a fix. Maybe I'll just wait a day or two and then post NIAW. Maybe it doesn't matter that they are back to back. Any suggestions?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I am now 12 and a half weeks pregnant with my little miracle twins. Our perinatologist thinks that they are girls! and yesterday I walked out of my REs office for the last time in hopefully a couple years at least - well unless I go back to say hi or something. But I graduated with two heartbeats so I am now a "normal" pregnant person for the next 6 weeks (until my next high risk appointment).
I am not showing. I have not gained any weight yet. I am still throwing up occasionally (like once a day). I am not as tired anymore though, but I sleep like crap now. So pretty much life is good. I don't feel too sick, and feel just a little pregnant. Everyone seems to say the second trimester is the best - so I'm really excited for it. We are almost there depending on who you ask.
My week of Dr appts is over so I get to relax. have a 30 minute drive to all 3 Drs and so I usually call my mom, dad, or siblings. They were always confused because I was calling them on my way to my Drs appointment, yet again. But that is over now. and I'm down to 2 Drs and no appointments for 4 weeks. It was really scary though on Tuesday coming home from the OB. It was right before lunch, and I was pretty hungry. And I didn't think about it at all when they took 3 vials of blood right before I drove home... So I'm driving down the freeway, 70 mph, talking to my dad and my hands start going numb, tingling like crazy. Then my feet, and I'm having trouble breathing and starting to get super light-headed. I'm only 7 minutes from home now so I think maybe I can make it. But I am hyperventilating a little and can barely move my fingers. So I decided it probably wouldn't be good to pass out driving 70 mph and surrounded by semis. So I got off and bought some candy at a gas station and a drink of water at their cafe thing. The waitress was super freaked out when she saw me. I was all pale and sweaty. Took like 15-20 minutes to feel somewhat normal again. Moral of the story-- EAT and carry snacks with you (especially when you go to the Dr and get surprised with blood draws!)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I'm now sitting on my OBs table (with no pillow-lame) waiting for her to come in. And tomorrow I graduated from my RE's office!! After the onslaught of Dr visits this week it will be a strange 4 week wait before I'm in again.
Oh she's here...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Since we are going ahead with the shower in the end of May, I have been registering for baby stuff. This has been very weird and a little overwhelming. First of all, I have no idea what I want and need for a baby, let alone twins. There are some many items available, and I am sure 90% is unnecessary. Plus it is just weird to think about buying things for our babies. I am still in my first trimester (almost done though!). I can't picture baby stuff in our house yet. So I feel like I have just registered for this that and the other and we'll see what I still want in 6 months. It is a strange feeling to be having a baby shower for me. Exciting, overwhelming and a little unnerving.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I am writing concerning your current "Win-A-Vasectomy" Campaign. Although I disagree philosophically with the main premise of limiting human reproduction, I believe that you are entitled to that opinion. I support your goal to have dogs and cats spayed/neutered. I have no problem with men voluntarily choosing to receive a vasectomy. My concern arises with the claim that you are promoting human sterilization in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. According to the dictionary, "to honor" means 1) to hold in honor or high respect, 2) to show a courteous regard for. How does your campaign show respect and courteous regard for the following goals and purposes of NIAW (found at http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html)?
- ensure that people trying to conceive know the guidelines for seeing a specialist when they are trying to conceive.
- enhance public understanding that infertility is a disease that needs and deserves attention.
- educate legislators about the disease of infertility and how it impacts people in their state.
I am trying to understand your perspective on this claim. I would very much appreciate your explanation as to how you think your campaign honors NIAW. To offer sterility "in honor" of infertility awareness seems as ludicrous a claim as honoring cancer awareness by promoting radiation showers. Your campaign seems to have nothing to do with helping the public and legislators understand the disease of infertility, the emotional and physical consequences, the current treatments available, and the need for funding and research. It seems that your campaign has the goal of creating more infertile people. That goal does not honor NIAW. Neither does it strengthen your campaign for spaying/neutering animals.
I ask you to please respect the purposes and motivations of NIAW and all those that have struggled and are struggling with infertility and remove the connection between your campaign and NIAW. Thank you,
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I thought I would copy Mrs Lemon and record a bit of my 10 weeks pregnant life.
How far along: 10 weeks 3 days
Symptoms: Tired (exhausted), Nausea (and no appetite), Sore Uterus, Gas, Constipation,
Baby Related Purchases: Not yet.
Maternity Clothes: My sister gave me a maternity dress for my birthday last week. So I now have 1 item.
Sleep: Love it! Pretty light sleeping, occasional potty trips, usually I get to sleep in. YAY
Best Moment of the Week: The ultrasound. Plus non-baby related, it was General Conference this weekend so M and I got to listen to the Prophet and Apostles. Always love that.
Sweetest Moment: M trying to hear their heartbeats through my belly.
Movement:I can see it on the ultrasound and sometimes I think I can feel them moving, but probably not.
Cravings: Mac and Cheese, Pizza,
Gender: We still think they are boys...
Belly Button: In
What I miss: Not much, Feeling good I guess.
What I am looking forward to: less than 2 weeks until my big detailed high risk ultrasound. Supposedly we will be able to find out the gender (even at 12 weeks).
Weekly Wisdom: Keep busy, even if you feel crappy.
Milestones: No more hormone meds!
Sticky Bun is the size of: a prune?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I'm really glad to be off all the hormones. I'm not too worried about the transition off the stimulants - maybe I should be? But so far, I'm feeling the same. M is more nervous I think. He is always the more cautious with optimism. But I think that if on Tuesday I still have good hormone levels he will be more relaxed about them sticking around. This has been his milestone. He didn't want to share it with people at work, aka his boss, until I'm on my own and stable. So I think maybe in the next couple of weeks we will start thinking about telling people.
We are going to have to start telling people soon because my mom and I just scheduled my baby shower! Weird!! It will be super early by normal standards. I know most people don't have showers before like the 28th week. Mine is scheduled for 17 1/2 weeks. I feel a little silly having it so early. In fact we were all hesitant. But here is why. #1 The shower is in Utah. I live in Texas. #2 OB doesn't want me flying later on in my pregnancy due to the extra passengers (after 32 weeks). #3 Neither does my OB want me flying between 20 and 32 weeks if there is ANY problem. #4 That isn't predictable and my mom would rather have me come early than not at all. #5 All my family is going to be in town that weekend (like huge extended and immediate family). So that is what we have planned. I'll just have whatever showers in Texas way late to average out :)
Anyway, Nap time. :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
So far the pregnancy has gone pretty well - I guess? I've been pretty sick - which makes me want to do nothing (hence the lengthy absence). I thought I had it under control. I would only throw up in the early morning or late at night and now only sometimes. But I threw it out of whack Saturday night and was not able to keep much of anything down Sunday. Feeling better today. I've also been tired and constipated and all the other fun things that go along with pregnancy. But I think after waiting so long I have a different perspective on the discomforts. It feels like that is just the way it is to be pregnant so it doesn't bother me too much. I am able to get naps usually which is super helpful. The headaches are the hardest part for me.
But it seems like despite all that the babies are doing well. Yes, I said babies. We are having twins! We are super excited - and very aware that we are only 2 months and still on progesterone supplements. We will be much more comfortable with the viability once I am stable on my own. I came off the estrogen last week and so hopefully my levels are still good. I check them tomorrow.
One thing I love now about infertility: once you finally get pregnant, you get lots of looks and pictures of your babies! I have had 4-5 ultrasounds now and even though they still look like grapes to me, it is so fun to see them and watch their little hearts beating! I think I am going to miss that once I am released from the RE. I did have my first appt with the OB last week and she is sending me to a special high risk ultrasound expert so I should still get extra good pictures.
I am a little nervous about twins. I'm nervous I might have to have a c-section. I'm nervous something will go wrong. But most of the time I am able to stay positive. My uterus is quite sore today which it hasn't been before so that isn't very comforting. I am anxious to make sure everything is all right tomorrow.
I called the OB this morning because of the soreness. She thinks it is because I did a lot of activity this weekend and told to me take it real easy today. I hope that is all. I'll let you know tomorrow.
About this weekend - it was so fun. M and I went to Washington, D.C. where he ran the National Marathon with his 3 brothers. They all were amazing and finished it! I am so proud of them and it was really fun to spend the weekend with M's family. (his parents and all wives - and most kids - were there, too). M and his brothers are a little competitive. Mostly though, they didn't even care - they just wanted to be able to finish. It was a little refreshing. Not all competition was gone, though. The night before (big pasta dinner at Olive Garden) M's eldest brother scoffed at M's statement that he would finish in 4:30 especially since he had done the least training. M (the youngest of the 4) responded with a time of 4:27 (ten minutes ahead of the next brother). He was exhausted and sore but pleased at having finished. I did a ton of walking and standing around to cheer them on at various points of the race and at the finish. After a few hours of warming up, eating and resting we spent all afternoon and night visiting old friends who live in the area. We had a blast. It was fun looking back to compare the visits. It made it clear how different relationships can be. They were all super enjoyable though. It was also interesting to see the reactions to our news. We haven't been telling people outside the families but since we were there in person... They were all super excited and it was actually really easy to talk about having done IVF with them. It was so refreshing. I found out that my friend's mom had done IVF as well. I had no idea. I wish I could tell everyone face to face one at a time. Too bad that won't happen; I live 1600 miles away from most of them. By the time we finally made it back to our hotel it was 1 in the morning. Such a fun night. I really felt the exhaustion yesterday though. Pregnant women need sleep. Especially to fend off nausea. Oh well. It was worth it (as long as the babies are ok and just sore from walking and puking). I don't really care for puking on airplanes though. That wasn't so fun.
Anyway that was a very lengthy catch up post. I'll try to be more consistent and shorter now. Maybe even some pictures...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A couple of nights ago, M said something that summarizes how we both feel. We were awake in the middle of the night (partly due to me being sick, partly from jetlag). M said something like, "I feel bad you are so sick - but not really - and I feel bad that I don't really feel bad that you are sick."
Before anybody takes that the wrong way, we both feel that way. I feel horrible, but I am so glad that I am pregnant and I am happy to know that I am still pregnant. Yes, it would be really nice to be one of those women who doesn't have any morning sickness or indigestion, but I am not. So I'm a happy sick pregnant woman (although sometimes I do want to cry because I can't stop heaving - temporarily not happy).
Side-note. I am not currently very happy with the performance by BYU tonight. SDSU has done a great job shutting the cougars down. Still, disappointing. Hopefully they still get to go to the NCAA tournament.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Maybe that is a little selfish but, it is our way of making this pregnancy a bit more ours. I think those of you that have shared with family and friends your IVF process have felt the same. Since they know you are doing IVF, they know pretty much right when you get pregnant (and so does the extended family?). There is very little that is intimate, just you and hubby. This is our intimate moment. We get share the ultrasound with just us. Just our happy little family. At least for a few weeks anyway.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I didn't sleep well at all last night. I think I was just anxious and stressed so, I wasn't feeling all too great today. But I drove downtown and got my blood drawn and filled the day with errands and work trying to distract from the phone call I was waiting for. I had a great lunch with a friend who just started TTC a couple months ago. She has PCOS and I am really hoping that she doesn't have to go through months and years of agony. It is always nice to be able to talk about things and have a good time. I ran to the dry cleaners as soon as they told me the found M's lost shirt (I was starting to get a little worried; it was one of M's favorites...). I laid in our hammock in a light breeze and absolutely perfect weather reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". My family would check in, see if there was any news yet...they were all anxious (well, so was I!!).
Finally, the call came (really it was like 4:45 but, it seemed like so late). The nurse gave me the results and I immediately start crying. I couldn't help it.
nurse: Are you still there?
me: sob yeeeah sob
nurse: Are you crying?
me: sob yes
nurse: Happy tears?
me (thinking): of course...you just told me that I'm pregnant!!!
I really couldn't stop crying. I was so happy and so overwhelmed. I managed to call and tell M who came home right away from work. We could not stop smiling and holding each other. It still seems surreal - I have a hard time saying out loud the words "I am pregnant". After all that we went through (and I know there are so many who have been through so much worse) I can't believe that it is finally here. I know it is still very early on but, we are grateful and feel so blessed to have good news today!
Monday, February 21, 2011
M and I have been TTC since the end of 2008. I had a septum removed, two injection IUIs and right now I am 11dp5dt on our first IVF. We find out tomorrow!! Technically we are not supposed to find out until Thursday (14dp5dt) but, I was able to convince the nurses to schedule me earlier because I am going out of town. I'm glad I don't have to wait even just those 2 days more.
I haven't been this tempted to pee on a stick for a very long time. But I won't, I'll just wait until tomorrow, jumping every time my phone rings.
Its frustrating right now because it seems like there are so many decisions we are trying to make right now that depend on whether I am pregnant or not. There isn't a rush to make the decisions but, they are constant reminders looming over us.
At the end of my IUIs I was pretty sure I was going to get negatives. I didn't feel pregnant at all. I was sick at first from the hormones but, then I got better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. Right now, I am totally unsure - but leaning towards a negative. I still feel a little crappy and have bad cramping on and off. I know I can't trust my body but, I am not feeling it. Hopefully, I am wrong and, it's just me trying to prepare myself emotionally. There isn't really any benefit trying to analyze it right now. I just need to wait until tomorrow when I have actual results....
Sometimes tomorrow seems like so far away.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I started "three cups of tea" last night so that has sucked me in... So far I like it but I'm still very near the beginning. Anyone else read it? Reading it?
Monday, February 14, 2011
I was totally put to shame today for being so selfish when I got my mail and there was a package full of Valentine's and a sweet card expressing love and support from M's brother and his family. I cried a little. It was way more meaningful to me than I think an email would have been. Somethings the internet just can't replace.It was just what I needed.
M and I met in college. We actually lived on the same block; I could see his apartment out my window. Anyway, there was a large gathering in the parking lot between our apartments. He was flirting with one of my 4 roommates, S, and invited her over to his apartment. Apparently she couldn't believe that they have 4 couches! (not big apartments...) All M's roommates and a few other people were there so don't worry, it wasn't creepy.
A week or two later, S had set up a group date for us girls (trying to help out a friend who then decided not to come...) I was set up on this random blind date. Another roommate, N, didn't have a date and decided pretty last minute to ask M, who accepted. I later was informed he was most disappointed that I hadn't asked him. At this point, I was still more interested in another. The date was one for the ages. Most memorable date ever. My date was nuts! Totally insane. We had gone to Boondocks and my other roommates jumped ship to the other side of the park ASAP! M and N tried to stick it out with us but after my date was attracting crowds, they slinked off... I actually had a really good time. He was cuckoo but really nice and very entertaining.
That date did give us plenty of material to talk and laugh about for a couple weeks while M and I continued to get to know each other, bump into each other on campus, church, Facebook :)
About a month after we first met, M finally asked me out.
We got married in June 2008. M was living back East for the summer but came back to Utah for the week (via a business trip to the South...) I wish I could remember more about the actually day and reception but, it is already starting to blur. It went by so fast!
Happy Valentine's Day, M! You are amazing, smart, witty, encouraging, supportive, and so loving! (You are also super amazing with kids and I love/hate watching you play with our nieces and nephews. You will be such a great dad.)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I am very grateful for all of my sweet friends, visiting teachers, and family who brought us dinner but, M was feeling a little left out. He was bummed and a little hurt that I didn't give him a chance to make me dinner. I felt so bad! It was so sweet and, I would have loved it. I guess I just thought he wouldn't want to. Don't ever underestimate your husband!
M's parents brought dinner over tonight and, we had a lovely time eating and chatting and laughing. I am totally stuffed. But we had a great time. I am starting to get more and more attached to my little blasties (hopefully they are getting as attached to me!) I have been cramping today and last night. I find it very hard not to read into and analyze every signal from my uterus. But the cramping makes me hopeful. Maybe its implantation cramping... I just feel so hopeful right now. So much more hopeful and optimistic than I have in a really long time. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me but, I'm feeling so good right now. I'm not having any side effects, I am out of bed, I have 5 frozen embies and, I have 2 good quality blasts hopefully implanted. I was planning on keeping more of a not-pregnant-until-proven-pregnant mentality - protect myself. But that is not working. I feel too good right now. I can tell that M is hopeful but trying to stay cautious and distracted. Tomorrow, I begin with the distractions...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Being on bed rest gives one a lot of time to think, along with back pain. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be pregnant. Other times I fret about the negative result that often seems inevitable. I've also thought a lot about what I want to do when I can move around again (I'm getting a little restless). I have projects I want to do - like get our garden started and make some drapes for our study. But, that isn't quite what I mean. I am not very dedicated as an artist. Sometimes I wonder if that is really what I want to do. Sometimes I think about going back to school and finishing my chemistry degree. The ultimate question is "to what end?" What is it that I want to be? Well the easy answer is "A Mother!" I think you all know how little control we have over that. and maybe in 9 months that dream will come true. But is that it? I don't mean to say that I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother and homemaker. I do. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more that I feel there needs to be something in addition to that. Something I'm dedicated to during nap time. Something that keeps me continually improving myself. Art always seemed like the perfect fit. But, I'm struggling with that. I don't have a vision of where my art is going right now and I'm not very excited about it. However, neither do I have a vision of what I would do with a chem degree if I got it. I don't want a job as a chemist - at least I don't think I do. Teach? Maybe. Tutoring? I think I may try to do that part time - you don't need a BS for that.
Hopefully after another day of bed rest (the last one thank goodness!), I will have some more clarity about what I want to do and be, regardless of the outcome of this IVF.
Friday, February 11, 2011
I found a pretty good app to remind me to take all my medicine. That has been helpful. It seems like it is always time for another pill of something.
Other than the sore back from being horizontal for too long, today was a good day. I felt more energetic than I have in a while and harnessed that into phone calls and a nice visit from my sister-in-law and her adorable baby. I have felt a little bit bad recently because when I have talked to people on the phone - mostly my family - I have been non-energetic and just blah - mainly because that is the way that I felt. They were much more excited and chipper than I was. However, today I was feeling great and had a wonderful chat with my mom. We laughed hysterically as I talked about yesterday and my bladder. It was nice to feel like I was alive and not sounding depressed. And it felt really good to laugh! I'm sure my parents were worried and glad to hear my happy and awake voice again. It was fun to talk with my sisters and laugh with them, too.
And I had a great time with my SIL and her cute 5 month old. Even though he was super tired and cried quite a bit. We talked and laughed. It was great to have some company today. There was one comment that stuck with me. She had mentioned earlier in the visit that on a previous occasion she had visited some friends and has taken her son. He was again fussy but, her friends seemed very concerned and annoyed that she couldn't get him to stop - repulsed even (no, they didn't have kids of their own). So after a while today of him crying, my SIL was apologizing that he was not in a good mood and hadn't napped well today. I responded that it didn't bother me. She said "I could tell." I wasn't really expecting that kind of response but, it got me thinking about why having a baby crying didn't bother me. I think it boils down to I want a baby, and babies cry and spit up and explode diapers and, I want it all. I can't imagine any one who has tired so hard to have a baby of their own get annoyed at a fussy baby- but maybe I'm wrong.
But before I get ahead of myself...The pregnancy blood work test. I will know next Tuesday. Technically I was supposed to wait until Thursday the 24th, but since I am going out of town on the 25th I was able so convince the nurse to do the test 12 days after the transfer. So only 11 days to wait...
M is now home from work. We had another delicious meal brought over by my dear visiting teachers (pulled pork yesterday and enchiladas tonight...I'm salivating for tomorrow already and M is totally getting spoiled). M is getting a fire going. I guess bed/couch rest isn't all bad.
(plus we got our final freeze count. We have 5 little frozen embies!)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Out of our 14 embryos, 5 were blasts today and some may be blasts by tomorrow so after putting 2 in today we have at least 3 frozen. Yay! Hopefully we'll get more frozen tomorrow but I am happy about the 3.
The transfer went well. I had to pee so bad though so it seemed to take forever. I was having a hard time concentrating on anything else. Also, the Valium made me flushed and hot so I wasn't very comfortable... And then the Doc came in and used the ultrasound... Yep more pressure on the bladder so not fun. And I couldn't relax for the speculum so that was more uncomfortable than usual. If I ever have to do this again or advise anyone else going in. Don't over load the bladder! Get it full but not about to pop. The nurses and Doc were so nice about it though. They could see how much pain I was in. After the all clear the nurse went super fast to transfer me to recovery and brought me a bedpan right away. I have never been happier for a bedpan. I think I peed for a whole minute. Bliss.
Then I got to look at the pictures they gave us. We got a picture of each blast and the ultrasound of them right after they got put in. That was the first moment I felt that they were mine.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I am ready to have the back in me. I wish I felt 100% better from the retrieval but, I am at least much better. I still have horrible gas. It is so bad! It's kind of funny because I rarely have gas, especially loud gas.
Anyway, I'm ready to go tomorrow. Plus, the sooner tomorrow comes the sooner the 2WW is over. And I'm exhausted so good night.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
All day I have been analyzing my belly trying to figure out how bloated is "severe bloating". I do not want OHSS. I was starting to get a little worried - I'm a worrier sometimes. But when I woke up from my nap my tummy was way smaller and didn't feel bloated anymore! YAY! My biggest complaint right now is a stomachache. I'm not nauseous or anything - it just hurts. Hopefully that will go away soon.
We got our fertilization report this morning. Out of 25 eggs (how did I get 25 from 23 follicles? I don't know) we got 14 that fertilized. We are going to do a day 5 transfer on Thursday.
One of the things we have been thinking about lately is excitement. My family is really excited about everything I tell them. I am not. We have 14 embabies growing. I am hopeful that there will be great quality embryos to transfer among these 14. I'm not very excited though. Excited just is not the right word. It is like celebrating at halftime if you are up by 1 or 2. The game is not over. You can feel good about the way you played in the first half - but there is so much more left to go. I will be excited when I get pregnant and really really excited when I have a baby in my arms. I'll rush the field when the game is over. But not before the clock reaches 0:00. I don't feel that this is totally understood by family and friends. I feel like they expect me to be super excited at each turn. I understand that things moving in the right direction is a good thing - and I am very happy and thankful for that. I just can't afford to count my chickens before they hatch - or my embies before they implant as it were. That may seem very pessimistic but, it is not. There are no guarantees, no sure things in IVF. I think it is very realistic to feel the way I do. I still have hope, I still pray that this IVF will work. I just won't celebrate it until it does. Does that make sense to anyone besides me?
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Regardless, it is a moot point. It turns out I am supposed to trigger tonight! Which means I am retrieving on Saturday. I was a little surprised to hear that. I was expecting to hear that we were "pushing back" the retrieval until early next week. So I am relieved and excited and ready to be moving forward! Only one more shot (I hope - although last night's was the first time they didn't really bother me at all, go figure). Plus, I am ready to relieve some of the pressure in my lower abdomen and back (Krista, I really don't know how you managed with 50! I have 15 and am complaining about the pressure and size). I have to stay up to give the trigger though. I'm almost thinking of going to sleep and just waking up to do it - but really, it is only 10:45 and we usually end up staying up that late anyway. We like to aim for 9:30 but, let's face it, we are pretty bad about enforcing that. I have been sleeping like crazy this week though. The stims have knocked me out.
Due to the weather, M's work sent them home early - about 3:30. It has kind of been a fairytale afternoon - real life version I guess. Come home, M chops up some wood (with a power saw), light a fire, cuddle on the couch, watch the Office and Human Target, and doze off - with a light dinner around the fire somewhere in there, too. I love cuddling by the fire and watching the flames (I wish I could capture them in some way that did them justice. The colors and shapes of fire are so beautiful to me). In short, it was a perfect afternoon, especially perfect for icy weather!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Today my follicles were looking good. There are still 15 all between 10-15 mm. Now, Sunday looks more likely for retrieval. I have no problem with that - I just don't want to go too early because we couldn't monitor on Friday. (and I will have a problem if we trigger later than Saturday - I'll be out of meds). The not-knowing can be so frustrating and stressful to plan for sometimes. I don't want to run out of meds but, I don't want to buy more if I'm not going to use them. Risky, but I really doubt that I'll need more than Thursday and Friday night stimming.
Anyway, I hope everyone stays warm and safe during the storms! (and I hope M gets work off due to weather tomorrow...that would be nice.)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Other than the shot I had a pretty great day. Got errands done, had lunch with a girlfriend, I even made a delicious and healthy vegan dinner. The emphasis on I made dinner! PS I don't subscribe to food diet terminology. I'm not vegan or any other thing. I try to eat healthy and enjoy it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
So thanks for the reminders and encouragements! I kicked myself off the self-pity train and I'm feeling good. I am, however, tired. I slept for 12 hours on Friday night, 10 and a half last night and I was ready to go to bed again at 6! Hopefully all this sleeping means lots of follicle growth!
So, on to the rules for the awards...
Rules for accepting this award:
1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it
7 things about me (Amy):
1. I am an artist. I graduated with a degree in painting in 2009. Sometimes painting is pretty slow around IVF though. Here's my art blog.
2. I met my husband because he was hitting on one of my roommates. And starting dating him after he went on a date with another roommate :)
3. I am a math/chemistry/physics geek. Don't get much practice anymore but, I miss my sciences sometimes.
4. I sing really loud around the house sometimes when M is at work. Belting may be more accurate.
5. I am really quite shy but, I'm trying to kick that habit. I often have a hard time saying what is on my mind (especially face-to-face).
6. I really don't like pets. I usually don't mind other peoples but really really don't like the idea of having my own.
7. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (mormon)
My 15 nominations (no particular order):
Alex at Alex's Adventures
ousoonerchick at One Day at a Time
Miss Mac at MAC and PC
Mrs R at Hearts Joined, Hands Fast
One who understands at One who Understands
Mrs Hammer at ...Expect Miracles...
Erika at Pollination Chronicles
Hopeisafourletterword at Hope is a Four Letter Word
Tabitha at Paper Airplanes
Fresh Conceptions at Fresh Conceptions
Tina at To Infertility and Beyond
To those who wait at To Those Who Wait
Sarah at Bio Girl
Foxy at Someday
You girls are awesome and have been so fun to read. I also really appreciate the support that I have received from your comments or your blogs. Especially as I begin my first IVF cycle. I love getting your comments and encouragement. Thank you!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Today started out really well. I had a really fun chat with my dad and my sister the whole 40 minute drive to the RE. So I was all awake and in a good mood when I got there (and I was even on time today!) I wish I could find the post I read the other day. It was talking about how invisible infertility can be because we can have a hard time opening up about it. Anyway, this article mentions how quiet and isolated it can be in the waiting rooms especially compared to cancer patients. When I read that I was totally reminded of my appt on Monday. The room was as full as I have ever seen it but, it was silent. You could have heard a pin drop. I remember noticing it on Monday and feeling a little depressed by it. So when I got to the RE, that article and my recollections of Monday were on my mind. I put my phone (and emails and blogs) away and struck up conversations - novel of me, I know. Anyway, it was a great experience for me. At least to my eye, it seemed to really lighten the mood of the room and, I think (and hope) it was well received. It was a little hard to get going at first. I almost gave up on the idea because I am little shy but, I am so glad that I put myself out there a little. Not only did the wait go by super fast (I almost wanted to have the nurse wait for me!) but, I met some really nice women. Definitely something I want to keep trying to do. Does anybody else have super quiet eerie waiting rooms?
Anyway, on to the actual appointment. The US was blah and, I am a little discouraged. I only have 4 follicles on my right ovary. They are all good size and all about the same size so, that is good, though. My left ovary was playing hide and seek and was really good at it. After turning the wand in every possible direction with every possible point of pressure, she gave up. So we don't know many are growing on the left side. My estrogen levels were not as high as the RE wanted them so, I'm thinking there the left side isn't doing much better than the right. I am a little discouraged. I was comforted to find out that the cyst on my right ovary has shrunk a tiny bit.
My follistim has now been doubled so hopefully we'll have better news (and be able to find the left ovary) on Monday.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My shot was on fire today, too. I am definitely feeling an improvement though. It burns going in and for about 30 seconds after but, mentally it is a lot easier. I'm pretty happy about that.
I still was feeling great this morning but at about 5pm I felt tired and hot and slight pressure on my ovaries. Maybe the meds are doing something after all. I hope I don't feel like this for the next week. (but if I do, would that change anything? I'd still keep doing them.) I'm a little anxious to see the US on Friday. I still wonder about the cyst. I don't want to have my cycle canceled.
Or the discomfort is from meeting some friends for a walk and practically running to keep up! I exaggerate slightly but, they were cruising! I felt so ridiculous and pathetic: we were walking! Plus, now I have some nickel-sized blisters on the bottom of my heels. Despite that, it was a beautiful sunny day! No rain! Perfect to be outside walking.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Shots were a little late today because we were out doing errands and I had this mystery shopping thing that was for a certain time only. It was my first mystery shop. We'll see if it is worth continuing in the future - maybe I'll just stick to learning how to coupon better, which I do like. Getting stuff free through coupons is so satisfying. Sounds super cheap but try it sometime. It's great. Anyway, I'm getting way off topic here. It's late and I'm just waiting for M to come to bed so I'm rambling. But the shots were much better - well at least a little better - than last night. It took about half the time to mix them. Even the shot was less painful - but not by much. Other than the pain of the shot I have had no side effects. I keep telling myself that is a good thing (and I am glad I'm not sick) but, I can't feel if it is working or not. But thats why they use US. Hopefully, I will continue to feel great and have US show great growth!
Anyway, I'm rambling again. Good night.
Monday, January 24, 2011
After a rough morning, lots of Google, dreary rain, and a ton of uncertainty about the cyst, I had a full afternoon of the same things, plus impatience. I was so sure that they were going to postpone the cycle and just wanted to hear it and put it behind me. Usually they call by 5, 5:30pm at the latest. At 6:30pm(!) M and I were getting concerned - did they forget about us? What about my shots tonight- do I take them or not?
Finally, finally they call...and we are good to go! I was actually surprised. I was totally prepared to wait (at least I think I was...) so, it took me a minute - I almost started crying!
Here we go! I gave myself my first IVF shots-which were way more painful than I thought they would be. For my IUI's I only had the Follistim and, I didn't mind the shots. However, the Menopur and the Follistim were brutal. I do not like them but, I'll do them anyway. As my dear M said, "No pain, no gain." Such a wise and comforting hubby I have.
I am relieved and excited to finally be starting. There was so much waiting, wondering, questioning, waiting. Now we are finally doing something. My retrieval is "scheduled" for 12 days away. That seems so close! Things are moving and moving fast. I hope it stays that way...
My follies look good (yay), but it turned up on the US that I have a rather large cyst on my right ovary. Bloodwork will determine if it is still producing estrogen. If it is, we will have to postpone the cycle. In the case that it is not producing estrogen and the Doc says it is ok, we will proceed as planned. But I'm really doubtful of that right now. The nurse said I still have a lot of lining to shed - that I have a big period coming. I'm thinking that the estrogen is affecting my mini-period. Also, my period has been really mucus-y, gross I know, and I'm thinking estrogen affects CM, too. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get bad news tonight. Thus, I am consigned to prepare myself to postpone the cycle until March. Silver lining - no worries on the bike trip :)
Now, what can Dr. Google tell me about cysts...
falling asleep at the wheel. However, it is back to rainy, dreary
weather. And I am a little concerned that I haven't had enough of a
period. They said I should have a period after I stop the birth
control, but I've been spotting, mini-period at best. Does that even
matter? I don't know. Guess I'll find out at my appt this morning. So
to combat these downer influences, I am wearing my feel good shirt.
Anyone else have one? I love it, M loves it, strangers love it...I
always feel good in this shirt.
Bring it on, IVF
Sunday, January 23, 2011
But, alas, I need to stay up just a little bit longer. So I'll tell you about my last weekend get-a-way before IVF. It was actually a great weekend. We went camping Friday night with some friends. It was almost perfect. The only complaint we had was the temperature. We got up there and it was 34F - and the fire pit was really wet and cold. Consequently, it took a long time to get a fire going and hot. So we were real cold at first. We did have the best tin-foil dinners I've ever had so far; it just took them awhile to cook. Our friend Rachael had this great idea to get Reese's for the smores. So good! I love smores over the campfire, even the sticky mess.
That night it got down to 27F! But, we got these awesome sleeping bags as a gift from my parents. They were incredible. I was hot. Getting out in the morning wasn't very fun though.
But, I did and made oatmeal and hot chocolate - no wait on the fire that time:Maybe it is just me, but food when camping is so much better.
We did about a 6.5 mile hike (trail walk- not a whole lot of elevation change) and I'm feeling it in my legs this morning. The forest was really different from forests back in Utah, but it was still pretty- and the weather was perfect. By the time we left it was 55F and so pleasant.
I remember now how much I love camping and being outdoors.
The rest of Saturday we tried to get the smoke out of everything - clothes and hair mostly. I probably still smell like a bonfire. And then we started Ben Hur. It is a super long movie though so we finished it today. Pretty good movie but a lot longer than it needed to be.
Church today was also really good. It was our ward conference and the theme was "I know the scriptures are true". I am so grateful for the scriptures and for the Savior. I really don't know how I would go through IF (or life) without knowing that God loves me, that I am his daughter. I pray that this IVF will work and get me preggo, but if not, I pray I can find comfort, peace, and faith.
Friday, January 21, 2011
We went in yesterday for our teaching visit and just to go over everything with the nurse. We are getting all our questions answered and almost everything is making sense. But then, we start going over the calendar. There are no problems with the IVF cycle calendar, but in case it works and I get pregnant... we have a little conflict. So if it works, then I am supposed to get BW done every 2 days! Check hormones, make sure supplements are right and development is right. But 3 days after the pregnancy test, we are going out of town. So the nurse was like, "oh, it's okay if you are gone a couple days and miss an appt". Well, we will be gone 9 and I would miss 3 appts. Oh, and its a biking trip.
The nurses thought it would still be fine for me to go - the chances are small that something would go wrong that would have been fixable if I were here. They did worry that if something did happen which wasn't caused by the trip but happened, we would blame ourselves. (good point!). But, I was pretty stressed out last night. Should we postpone IVF? Cancel the trip? or stick to the original plan? Am I totally over-reacting? We don't even know if the IVF is going to work, and the nurses didn't seem very concerned about the trip.
Anyway, not really a fun night (followed by 1 hour in traffic trying to go somewhere 15 minutes away). After we were a little more relaxed, we came to this conclusion: Go ahead and do IVF now and still go on the trip - but if I get pregnant and everything is not 100% perfect, we are canceling our trip. I'm going to talk to the RE today though- just make sure that is okay with him. If so, I go off the birth control today and start stimming Monday!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
(I know it is listed as a D.C. deal, but since they email the card to you, it doesn't matter where you actually live)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Let me just say that I love my nurse. She is awesome. Sometimes she may seem a little rushed but she is actually very considerate and gave me a bunch of free medicine and numbers to multiple pharmacies so I could shop around for the rest of the medications. Some were pharmaceutical samples, but a bunch were donated from a canceled cycle. The woman had breast cancer so she had to stop. Yikes. I hope she is okay, but it was really nice of her to donate her drugs. I'm on the phone now - on hold - tackling the other half of the list.
So far, what has surprised me the most is how different this is from an IUI. I did injections with both IUIs but that was so simple. This is so much more intense. I'm going to have to be really on top of all the meds - there are so many!
After my appt this morning, I had to go get more blood drawn - the pregnancy blood work up basically. 6 vials - I was getting a little woosy by the end. I don't usually mind blood. I watch all the needles going in and the blood coming out- the changing of the vials was a little icky though. Instead of filling up nicely like the first vial, the blood shot out and splattered all over the inside of the vials. That was a little too blood-like. Anyway, I made it through that, didn't faint or anything. I'm fine now - wanting a big burger - but otherwise great. The worst part was the bandage wrap ripping all my arm hairs out.
So, now that is done, not much is going on for the next week and a half. I take birth control and get all my drugs. We get our teaching appointment - and M gets a turn to do blood work! I paint. M goes to work. Life as normal as we can make it...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Hawaii was pretty good. I got sick and am still trying to kick some congestion so that was a bummer. Also, we got word the first day we were there that my grandfather passed away. Although this is something we have wanted for him for a long time, it was still painful to say goodbye. He suffered from severe Alzheimer's and was very unresponsive the last few years so he was ready to go. I am glad that he joined us for Christmas morning last week.
Most of us stayed in Hawaii until Sunday but my mom and sister went home that night. My dad followed after a day or two. And we rescheduled our flights home to attend the funeral. So it wasn't the trip we expected but overall it was still fun.
I didn't get much sun. I have super pale skin and I fry faster than anyone else I know. So even when I was out in the sun I was way too coated with sunscreen to get any color.
Oh well. Hopefully it will be worth it and I will never get skin cancer.
Hanging around my preggo sisters and their adorable kids went well. I didn't get down or jealous...until the night before we left. Well to be more accurate I got upset about doing IVF. It was New Year's Day and it sunk in that unless we decide differently we will be starting our first IVF later this week. And that scared me. I never wanted to get to this point and I'm scared it won't work and it is so close! So there I am watching football with my family and crying.
I wasn't loud and I'm not sure anybody but M even noticed. But later one of my sisters found out I had been crying and so we talked about it. At first I was just saying, I'm ok, I'm ok.... But my sweet sister just looked at me and said, "it is ok to say it hurts, it's hard." and then I really started crying. She held me till I cried myself out. By then my other sisters had gathered. We all talked about being scared, about being unhappy I actually am so infertile we have to do an IVF, about getting ready to start. It was so nice and I felt so much better after. I still don't know if we will do it but I feel much more calm and emotionally prepared. And it was nice to share how much it sucks with my sisters and feel their support.
We had the funeral today and it was beautiful. All his kids spoke and there was a lot of music. Military honors and bagpipes at the gravesite were so special. My grandpa was a great man. A doctor, a WWII POW, an awesome gardener, dedicated to his family and to God and a Scotsman through and through. I wish I could remember him better from before he got sick. I am very grateful for the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ so I can see him again and get to know him. I know he is happy to be gone and back with his wife (a miracle women as well - in a wheelchair for 55 years and never heard her complain). I can just picture them dancing.
I'm on the plane home now, and I am totally exhausted and emotionally drained. (is there such thing as emotional hangovers?) M is asleep across my lap. I fear it will be an early morning tomorrow.