Monday, January 3, 2011

Happy New Year

Welcome to 2011. I have not yet really sat down and thought about the old year and looked ahead to the new year so it doesn't seem like a big change. I am planning on doing that tonight on my flight home or tomorrow once I get home and settled.
Hawaii was pretty good. I got sick and am still trying to kick some congestion so that was a bummer. Also, we got word the first day we were there that my grandfather passed away. Although this is something we have wanted for him for a long time, it was still painful to say goodbye. He suffered from severe Alzheimer's and was very unresponsive the last few years so he was ready to go. I am glad that he joined us for Christmas morning last week.
Most of us stayed in Hawaii until Sunday but my mom and sister went home that night. My dad followed after a day or two. And we rescheduled our flights home to attend the funeral. So it wasn't the trip we expected but overall it was still fun.
I didn't get much sun. I have super pale skin and I fry faster than anyone else I know. So even when I was out in the sun I was way too coated with sunscreen to get any color.
Oh well. Hopefully it will be worth it and I will never get skin cancer.
Hanging around my preggo sisters and their adorable kids went well. I didn't get down or jealous...until the night before we left. Well to be more accurate I got upset about doing IVF. It was New Year's Day and it sunk in that unless we decide differently we will be starting our first IVF later this week. And that scared me. I never wanted to get to this point and I'm scared it won't work and it is so close! So there I am watching football with my family and crying.
I wasn't loud and I'm not sure anybody but M even noticed. But later one of my sisters found out I had been crying and so we talked about it. At first I was just saying, I'm ok, I'm ok.... But my sweet sister just looked at me and said, "it is ok to say it hurts, it's hard." and then I really started crying. She held me till I cried myself out. By then my other sisters had gathered. We all talked about being scared, about being unhappy I actually am so infertile we have to do an IVF, about getting ready to start. It was so nice and I felt so much better after. I still don't know if we will do it but I feel much more calm and emotionally prepared. And it was nice to share how much it sucks with my sisters and feel their support.
We had the funeral today and it was beautiful. All his kids spoke and there was a lot of music. Military honors and bagpipes at the gravesite were so special. My grandpa was a great man. A doctor, a WWII POW, an awesome gardener, dedicated to his family and to God and a Scotsman through and through. I wish I could remember him better from before he got sick. I am very grateful for the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ so I can see him again and get to know him. I know he is happy to be gone and back with his wife (a miracle women as well - in a wheelchair for 55 years and never heard her complain). I can just picture them dancing.
I'm on the plane home now, and I am totally exhausted and emotionally drained. (is there such thing as emotional hangovers?) M is asleep across my lap. I fear it will be an early morning tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. His funeral sounds lovely though. Yes there is such a thing as emotional hangovers, I have them too.

    I'm so happy that you were able to be open with your sisters about your pain. It's a big step, moving to IVF. And it's important to let those feelings out first. I'm so very excited for this IVF for you - I really hope this is it for you!