4w6d "close to the vest"

I had my second beta today but, I haven't got the results yet. There is a new nurse who drew my blood today. I was asking her about what my appt schedule would look like now and when I would get my first ultrasound. Today! Well at least that is what she said. So she puts me in a room and I get undressed and in the stirrups. Then, the real nurse comes in and says it's too early to see anything and the other nurse doesn't really know the ropes yet. But since I was already on the table she decided to try the ultrasound and see if we could see anything. Well we did! Yay! But guess what. I'm not ready to share. I'm sure you are all dying to know if I'm having a singleton (I just love that word. It is so funny) or twins. I know my family is. But I haven't really been able to have my pregnancy secret. My sisters got to wait like "normal" people to announce their pregnancy until about three months. So at least for now, M and I are going to enjoy our little secret.
Maybe that is a little selfish but, it is our way of making this pregnancy a bit more ours. I think those of you that have shared with family and friends your IVF process have felt the same. Since they know you are doing IVF, they know pretty much right when you get pregnant (and so does the extended family?). There is very little that is intimate, just you and hubby. This is our intimate moment. We get share the ultrasound with just us. Just our happy little family. At least for a few weeks anyway.

IVF #1 CD 31 "Longest Day Ever"

Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement!

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I think I was just anxious and stressed so, I wasn't feeling all too great today. But I drove downtown and got my blood drawn and filled the day with errands and work trying to distract from the phone call I was waiting for. I had a great lunch with a friend who just started TTC a couple months ago. She has PCOS and I am really hoping that she doesn't have to go through months and years of agony. It is always nice to be able to talk about things and have a good time. I ran to the dry cleaners as soon as they told me the found M's lost shirt (I was starting to get a little worried; it was one of M's favorites...). I laid in our hammock in a light breeze and absolutely perfect weather reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". My family would check in, see if there was any news yet...they were all anxious (well, so was I!!).

Finally, the call came (really it was like 4:45 but, it seemed like so late). The nurse gave me the results and I immediately start crying. I couldn't help it.

nurse: Are you still there?
me: sob yeeeah sob
nurse: Are you crying?
me: sob yes
nurse: Happy tears?
me (thinking): of course...you just told me that I'm pregnant!!!

I really couldn't stop crying. I was so happy and so overwhelmed. I managed to call and tell M who came home right away from work. We could not stop smiling and holding each other. It still seems surreal - I have a hard time saying out loud the words "I am pregnant". After all that we went through (and I know there are so many who have been through so much worse) I can't believe that it is finally here. I know it is still very early on but, we are grateful and feel so blessed to have good news today!

IVF #1 CD 30 "Welcome"

Welcome ICLWers. To play a little catch up (I think my sidebar is out of date):
M and I have been TTC since the end of 2008. I had a septum removed, two injection IUIs and right now I am 11dp5dt on our first IVF. We find out tomorrow!! Technically we are not supposed to find out until Thursday (14dp5dt) but, I was able to convince the nurses to schedule me earlier because I am going out of town. I'm glad I don't have to wait even just those 2 days more.
I haven't been this tempted to pee on a stick for a very long time. But I won't, I'll just wait until tomorrow, jumping every time my phone rings.
Its frustrating right now because it seems like there are so many decisions we are trying to make right now that depend on whether I am pregnant or not. There isn't a rush to make the decisions but, they are constant reminders looming over us.
At the end of my IUIs I was pretty sure I was going to get negatives. I didn't feel pregnant at all. I was sick at first from the hormones but, then I got better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. Right now, I am totally unsure - but leaning towards a negative. I still feel a little crappy and have bad cramping on and off. I know I can't trust my body but, I am not feeling it. Hopefully, I am wrong and, it's just me trying to prepare myself emotionally. There isn't really any benefit trying to analyze it right now. I just need to wait until tomorrow when I have actual results....
Sometimes tomorrow seems like so far away.

IVF #1 CD 25 "Sleep"

Tired and bloated = bad post and good night

IVF #1 CD 24 "Busy"

I don't have much to say today. It was a relatively calm and normal day except for a car scare. I got a weird engine sound and error message but it went away?? I'm tired. I'm trying to keep busy. I haven't been really thinking about the wait today. I can't say that I haven't thought about it at all but, it was definitely on the back burner today. Just got to keep it there one more week.
I started "three cups of tea" last night so that has sucked me in... So far I like it but I'm still very near the beginning. Anyone else read it? Reading it?

IVF #1 CD 23 "Just What I Needed"

Something every infertile has dealt with is sharing or not sharing their struggle. It was very difficult for us to open up. We opened up at different times with different family members and friends. Some of M's siblings that we don't see very often (once a year or less) we never actually told. Wednesday night (the night before our transfer), M decided that he wants to tell the rest of his family and, I agreed. He sent out an email to his family saying what we were doing, that it was very important to us, and could you please keep us in your prayers. Much to my surprise, we only heard back from the brothers that already knew! My family is totally the opposite problem so, I wasn't expecting the total radio silence. I kept waiting for the "good luck" or "I'm so sorry. Of course, we'll pray for you". Some sort of response to our very important email. Even M thought it was a little strange, even for his family.
I was totally put to shame today for being so selfish when I got my mail and there was a package full of Valentine's and a sweet card expressing love and support from M's brother and his family. I cried a little. It was way more meaningful to me than I think an email would have been. Somethings the internet just can't replace.It was just what I needed.

Happy Valentine's Day

I know that I often focus way too much on how crappy IF is for me and don't give M enough credit.
M and I met in college. We actually lived on the same block; I could see his apartment out my window. Anyway, there was a large gathering in the parking lot between our apartments. He was flirting with one of my 4 roommates, S, and invited her over to his apartment. Apparently she couldn't believe that they have 4 couches! (not big apartments...) All M's roommates and a few other people were there so don't worry, it wasn't creepy.
A week or two later, S had set up a group date for us girls (trying to help out a friend who then decided not to come...) I was set up on this random blind date. Another roommate, N, didn't have a date and decided pretty last minute to ask M, who accepted. I later was informed he was most disappointed that I hadn't asked him. At this point, I was still more interested in another. The date was one for the ages. Most memorable date ever. My date was nuts! Totally insane. We had gone to Boondocks and my other roommates jumped ship to the other side of the park ASAP! M and N tried to stick it out with us but after my date was attracting crowds, they slinked off... I actually had a really good time. He was cuckoo but really nice and very entertaining.
That date did give us plenty of material to talk and laugh about for a couple weeks while M and I continued to get to know each other, bump into each other on campus, church, Facebook :)
About a month after we first met, M finally asked me out.
We got married in June 2008. M was living back East for the summer but came back to Utah for the week (via a business trip to the South...) I wish I could remember more about the actually day and reception but, it is already starting to blur. It went by so fast!
Happy Valentine's Day, M! You are amazing, smart, witty, encouraging, supportive, and so loving! (You are also super amazing with kids and I love/hate watching you play with our nieces and nephews. You will be such a great dad.)

IVF #1 CD 22 "Back on my feet!"

It has never felt so good to get out of bed! I am supposed to keep on light activity today and tomorrow but, I want to run around and have a rather large list of things to do. First on my list of things to do was to SHOWER! I didn't even mind that our water heater is currently turned down too low so it wasn't even a very warm shower. It just felt so good...and my hair! I've had it in a messy bun on top of my head for the last three days (gross, I know). When I took out the elastic my hair just stayed there! It took a lot of washing and brushing to get it back to normal... but my mother-in-law did compliment me on my healthy looking hair. If anyone wants better looking hair- keep it on top of your head for 3 days!

I am very grateful for all of my sweet friends, visiting teachers, and family who brought us dinner but, M was feeling a little left out. He was bummed and a little hurt that I didn't give him a chance to make me dinner. I felt so bad! It was so sweet and, I would have loved it. I guess I just thought he wouldn't want to. Don't ever underestimate your husband!

M's parents brought dinner over tonight and, we had a lovely time eating and chatting and laughing. I am totally stuffed. But we had a great time. I am starting to get more and more attached to my little blasties (hopefully they are getting as attached to me!) I have been cramping today and last night. I find it very hard not to read into and analyze every signal from my uterus. But the cramping makes me hopeful. Maybe its implantation cramping... I just feel so hopeful right now. So much more hopeful and optimistic than I have in a really long time. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me but, I'm feeling so good right now. I'm not having any side effects, I am out of bed, I have 5 frozen embies and, I have 2 good quality blasts hopefully implanted. I was planning on keeping more of a not-pregnant-until-proven-pregnant mentality - protect myself. But that is not working. I feel too good right now. I can tell that M is hopeful but trying to stay cautious and distracted. Tomorrow, I begin with the distractions...

IVF #1 CD 21 "Reflections (or Ramblings)"

While I think it is a natural reaction to back away from the blogging world during the 2WW (to try and distract and get away from the world of IVF), I like writing and am going to try to write everyday. Hopefully, I don't bore you or drive myself crazy.
Being on bed rest gives one a lot of time to think, along with back pain. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be pregnant. Other times I fret about the negative result that often seems inevitable. I've also thought a lot about what I want to do when I can move around again (I'm getting a little restless). I have projects I want to do - like get our garden started and make some drapes for our study. But, that isn't quite what I mean. I am not very dedicated as an artist. Sometimes I wonder if that is really what I want to do. Sometimes I think about going back to school and finishing my chemistry degree. The ultimate question is "to what end?" What is it that I want to be? Well the easy answer is "A Mother!" I think you all know how little control we have over that. and maybe in 9 months that dream will come true. But is that it? I don't mean to say that I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother and homemaker. I do. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more that I feel there needs to be something in addition to that. Something I'm dedicated to during nap time. Something that keeps me continually improving myself. Art always seemed like the perfect fit. But, I'm struggling with that. I don't have a vision of where my art is going right now and I'm not very excited about it. However, neither do I have a vision of what I would do with a chem degree if I got it. I don't want a job as a chemist - at least I don't think I do. Teach? Maybe. Tutoring? I think I may try to do that part time - you don't need a BS for that.
Hopefully after another day of bed rest (the last one thank goodness!), I will have some more clarity about what I want to do and be, regardless of the outcome of this IVF.

IVF #1 CD 20 "Couch Potato"

I'm already tired of bed rest. Technically I've only been on bed rest 27 hours but, it sure feels like longer- due mostly to the unofficial bed rest all last week after feeling crappy from retrieval. So my body is sore and yearning to get up and move around and, my mind is now fully awake, too. Alas, two more days of this.

I found a pretty good app to remind me to take all my medicine. That has been helpful. It seems like it is always time for another pill of something.

Other than the sore back from being horizontal for too long, today was a good day. I felt more energetic than I have in a while and harnessed that into phone calls and a nice visit from my sister-in-law and her adorable baby. I have felt a little bit bad recently because when I have talked to people on the phone - mostly my family - I have been non-energetic and just blah - mainly because that is the way that I felt. They were much more excited and chipper than I was. However, today I was feeling great and had a wonderful chat with my mom. We laughed hysterically as I talked about yesterday and my bladder. It was nice to feel like I was alive and not sounding depressed. And it felt really good to laugh! I'm sure my parents were worried and glad to hear my happy and awake voice again. It was fun to talk with my sisters and laugh with them, too.
And I had a great time with my SIL and her cute 5 month old. Even though he was super tired and cried quite a bit. We talked and laughed. It was great to have some company today. There was one comment that stuck with me. She had mentioned earlier in the visit that on a previous occasion she had visited some friends and has taken her son. He was again fussy but, her friends seemed very concerned and annoyed that she couldn't get him to stop - repulsed even (no, they didn't have kids of their own). So after a while today of him crying, my SIL was apologizing that he was not in a good mood and hadn't napped well today. I responded that it didn't bother me. She said "I could tell." I wasn't really expecting that kind of response but, it got me thinking about why having a baby crying didn't bother me. I think it boils down to I want a baby, and babies cry and spit up and explode diapers and, I want it all. I can't imagine any one who has tired so hard to have a baby of their own get annoyed at a fussy baby- but maybe I'm wrong.

But before I get ahead of myself...The pregnancy blood work test. I will know next Tuesday. Technically I was supposed to wait until Thursday the 24th, but since I am going out of town on the 25th I was able so convince the nurse to do the test 12 days after the transfer. So only 11 days to wait...

M is now home from work. We had another delicious meal brought over by my dear visiting teachers (pulled pork yesterday and enchiladas tonight...I'm salivating for tomorrow already and M is totally getting spoiled). M is getting a fire going. I guess bed/couch rest isn't all bad.

(plus we got our final freeze count. We have 5 little frozen embies!)

IVF #1 CD 19 "Transfer"

You were all right. The worst part of the transfer is the full bladder. And I had the "bladder award" for the day. It was huge and so so painful. I drank a ton of water all morning and especially once we got to the clinic. I was really worried about peeing on the Doc. Don't worry, I didn't.

Out of our 14 embryos, 5 were blasts today and some may be blasts by tomorrow so after putting 2 in today we have at least 3 frozen. Yay! Hopefully we'll get more frozen tomorrow but I am happy about the 3.

The transfer went well. I had to pee so bad though so it seemed to take forever. I was having a hard time concentrating on anything else. Also, the Valium made me flushed and hot so I wasn't very comfortable... And then the Doc came in and used the ultrasound... Yep more pressure on the bladder so not fun. And I couldn't relax for the speculum so that was more uncomfortable than usual. If I ever have to do this again or advise anyone else going in. Don't over load the bladder! Get it full but not about to pop. The nurses and Doc were so nice about it though. They could see how much pain I was in. After the all clear the nurse went super fast to transfer me to recovery and brought me a bedpan right away. I have never been happier for a bedpan. I think I peed for a whole minute. Bliss.

Then I got to look at the pictures they gave us. We got a picture of each blast and the ultrasound of them right after they got put in. That was the first moment I felt that they were mine.

IVF #1 CD 18 "Ready?"

Tomorrow is my transfer. I am ready. I have a hard time thinking of my little embryos as my little babies. Once they are in me I am pretty sure that will change- and definitely if they stick. But right now there is a barrier. Right now they are very intriguing ball of cells and hope. I don't even know how they are doing. We'll find out tomorrow.
I am ready to have the back in me. I wish I felt 100% better from the retrieval but, I am at least much better. I still have horrible gas. It is so bad! It's kind of funny because I rarely have gas, especially loud gas.
Anyway, I'm ready to go tomorrow. Plus, the sooner tomorrow comes the sooner the 2WW is over. And I'm exhausted so good night.

IVF #1 CD 15 "Excited?"

I'm on day two of recovering from the unpleasantness that is egg harvesting. I was able to sleep most of the night and was feeling pretty good when I finally woke up around 9:30. So, I decided to go to Church. We had Stake Conference which was only 2 hours and I made it through the whole thing - although I did use M's shoulder unabashedly. I've been sleeping on and off since. Thankfully, my dear friend - one of my few friends that knows I'm doing this - brought us dinner tonight. It was most appreciated when I woke up starving.

All day I have been analyzing my belly trying to figure out how bloated is "severe bloating". I do not want OHSS. I was starting to get a little worried - I'm a worrier sometimes. But when I woke up from my nap my tummy was way smaller and didn't feel bloated anymore! YAY! My biggest complaint right now is a stomachache. I'm not nauseous or anything - it just hurts. Hopefully that will go away soon.

We got our fertilization report this morning. Out of 25 eggs (how did I get 25 from 23 follicles? I don't know) we got 14 that fertilized. We are going to do a day 5 transfer on Thursday.

One of the things we have been thinking about lately is excitement. My family is really excited about everything I tell them. I am not. We have 14 embabies growing. I am hopeful that there will be great quality embryos to transfer among these 14. I'm not very excited though. Excited just is not the right word. It is like celebrating at halftime if you are up by 1 or 2. The game is not over. You can feel good about the way you played in the first half - but there is so much more left to go. I will be excited when I get pregnant and really really excited when I have a baby in my arms. I'll rush the field when the game is over. But not before the clock reaches 0:00. I don't feel that this is totally understood by family and friends. I feel like they expect me to be super excited at each turn. I understand that things moving in the right direction is a good thing - and I am very happy and thankful for that. I just can't afford to count my chickens before they hatch - or my embies before they implant as it were. That may seem very pessimistic but, it is not. There are no guarantees, no sure things in IVF. I think it is very realistic to feel the way I do. I still have hope, I still pray that this IVF will work. I just won't celebrate it until it does. Does that make sense to anyone besides me?

IVF #1 CD 14 "Recovery"

Well we had retrieval this morning. It went well. They wouldn't let M come in and watch. The iv needle wasn't so bad but, I really don't like those. They got 23 follicles. M was really sweet. I m having a hard time waking up. Its been a couple hours but I'm still a little groggy. My right ovary really hurts. I'm trying to remember. The nurse said I'm risk for OHSS hope that doesn't happen. I remember m getting me dressed with the nurses help and trying to figure out the pad. I was really cold chattering like crazy. I remember being put into wheelchair and M helping me into the car. I was finally warm with the heat and the sun on me. M called my mom said I was having a hard time. We went to his brothers. M carried me in. I'm trying to sleep but I can't the pain is bad. Should not have turned down the vicadin. I'm still tired though. Nauseous? Kind of I can't tell. Fertility report tomorrow. Anxious.

IVF#1 CD 12 "Fire it up"

As of now, the big scary winter mayhem has not arrived. Forecast was for tonight and tomorrow morning...we'll see. The RE did decide to close his office tomorrow so they had me go in this afternoon and check to see how the progress is coming. My follies are doing well and getting bigger! The nurse estimated that I will trigger Saturday or Sunday night because there were some little follicles that she thought the Doc might want to mature. There is another office (a little less than 1 hour away) which will be open tomorrow and so she told me I might need to go to that office because I was so close to the trigger point. Well, that idea didn't sound ideal. I wasn't really excited about the 30 minute drive - how about a 50 minute one? of course, in the end, I know I would have done it.
Regardless, it is a moot point. It turns out I am supposed to trigger tonight! Which means I am retrieving on Saturday. I was a little surprised to hear that. I was expecting to hear that we were "pushing back" the retrieval until early next week. So I am relieved and excited and ready to be moving forward! Only one more shot (I hope - although last night's was the first time they didn't really bother me at all, go figure). Plus, I am ready to relieve some of the pressure in my lower abdomen and back (Krista, I really don't know how you managed with 50! I have 15 and am complaining about the pressure and size). I have to stay up to give the trigger though. I'm almost thinking of going to sleep and just waking up to do it - but really, it is only 10:45 and we usually end up staying up that late anyway. We like to aim for 9:30 but, let's face it, we are pretty bad about enforcing that. I have been sleeping like crazy this week though. The stims have knocked me out.
Due to the weather, M's work sent them home early - about 3:30. It has kind of been a fairytale afternoon - real life version I guess. Come home, M chops up some wood (with a power saw), light a fire, cuddle on the couch, watch the Office and Human Target, and doze off - with a light dinner around the fire somewhere in there, too. I love cuddling by the fire and watching the flames (I wish I could capture them in some way that did them justice. The colors and shapes of fire are so beautiful to me). In short, it was a perfect afternoon, especially perfect for icy weather!

IVF #1 CD 11 "Humid Subtropical?"

I am supposed to be living in a "humid subtropical" climate. Well, I am freezing my butt - well EVERYTHING- off! (as I am sure most everyone else in the country is, too). I actually love snow and hope that it snows a little bit since it was in the 20s today but, I don't think that is going to happen. At least, it won't happen until Friday morning when I am supposed to be driving to my last monitoring appointment. I have no concern about me driving into the city - I am worried that 1) the RE will close or 2) everybody else on the road has no experience with snow and ice in a city that is not really equipped for winter weather (a friend said that the roads might actually be closed except for emergency vehicles). I guess I'll see how the forecast holds up and give the doc a call tomorrow night to see what he might do. Friday is supposedly going to be my last appt before I trigger - so I don't know what would happen if I can't get there.
Today my follicles were looking good. There are still 15 all between 10-15 mm. Now, Sunday looks more likely for retrieval. I have no problem with that - I just don't want to go too early because we couldn't monitor on Friday. (and I will have a problem if we trigger later than Saturday - I'll be out of meds). The not-knowing can be so frustrating and stressful to plan for sometimes. I don't want to run out of meds but, I don't want to buy more if I'm not going to use them. Risky, but I really doubt that I'll need more than Thursday and Friday night stimming.
Anyway, I hope everyone stays warm and safe during the storms! (and I hope M gets work off due to weather tomorrow...that would be nice.)